personalAn Open Letter to Jordan Cunningham

An Open Letter to Jordan Cunningham.


Dear Jordan,

Some weeks ago, my fiancée, Amber, drove yourself and several of your friends from one location to another. On this occasion, a plastic shopping bag containing various goods (hereafter referred to as "The Package") was left behind in Amber's vehicle. At a later time, I brought The Package to your attention, and you indicated that it was not yours.

I do not, at this time, recall the identity of the owner in question, but I am approximately 80% sure that it was your ex-girlfriend (see fig. 1). For simplicity's sake, in the remainder of this missive, I shall refer to this person as "X", and will refer to her with female pronouns. Whoever she may be, I am certain that my relationship with X is, while amiable, tangential at best, and I do not possess her contact information.

fig. 1

Perceiving the contents of The Package to be of negligible interest and value, my fiancée and I ignored it in the back of my fiancée's vehicle until today, when Amber was compelled to return to the United States. In preparation for this trip, we removed The Package from the vehicle, and I brought it up to my apartment.

Upon further examination, I can confidently state that The Package was comprised of two plastic shopping bags (One from Lewiscraft and one from Giant Tiger), two 100-yard spools of Pepperell Braiding Company brand plastic twine (one in Black and one in Nite Glow), and one DVD copy of The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

It was at this point, late in the evening, that I decided to watch the aforementioned film, as a means of boosting my flagging spirits in the impending week-long absence of my beloved. After watching the movie, my schedule allowed me several hours of free time, in which I planned to write a quick essay regarding the impracticality of anonymous vigilantism in the real world (see fig 2).

fig. 2

I had heard negative reviews of the movie version of The Hitchiker's Guide, and was pleasantly surprised by its quality, and accepted those differences from the book that were necessitated by the change in medium. In particular, I liked the use of puppets for the Vogons, rather than CGI. I was less than impressed by the DVD bonus features, but that is hardly unusual.

It was not until I removed the DVD from my computer that I noticed a sticker on the disc (a sticker, I hasten to add, that was not, in any way, duplicated on the DVD's case) that indicated that the movie was a rental from Jumbo Video.

A great sense of obligation washed over me, as my disregard for X's personal property had, by now, undoubtably cost her a sizable amount in late fees. Knowing that Jumbo Video is open 24 hours, and presuming that they would most likely view the coming of midnight as the dawning of yet another day of rental, I immediately jumped into action. I consulted Google Maps for the location of the nearest Jumbo Video frachise, quickly threw on a pair of sandals and a trench coat, and started walking (being without conveyance).

As I approached the location of the store, I was shocked and dismayed to see, through the wide glass windows, bare walls and downed signs.

I approached the door, and was surprised by a loud beeping noise. The anti-theft gates, still engaged, though shifted to one side, had reacted to the presence of the DVD through the glass (see fig 3).

fig. 3

Encouraged by this sign of retail life, I examined the interior of the store with renewed hope, and discovered that, while one half of the building was in disarray, the remainder of the media was still racked and ready for rental. I thus confidently deposited the DVD in the convenient deposit slot.

It was, naturally, exactly one second after I allowed the plastic to slip from my digits and into the hidden depths below that I realized a key fact - that the store before which I stood was not a Jumbo Video location, but rather an incarnation of their competitor, Rogers Video.

I expressed displeasure (see fig 4).

fig. 4

The result of this blunder is that Rogers Video now possesses Jumbo Video's property. It is my presumption that these two neighbouring giants have professional courtesy toward each other, and that the video will be transferred from one store to the other in the morning. Further, it is my fervent hope that Jumbo Video will look upon this late return as the responsibility of Rogers Video, and thus that the late fees accumulated by X over the past few weeks will be eradicated.

I feel it behooves you to contact X and inform her of these events.





--Tailsteak.


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