Should I have kids?

[Cornhusk dreams]

This is a bit... uh... likely to draw fire for a first post, so I hope I'm not mistaken for being a troll. That being said: I don't know if I'm the right person to have or adopt kids. (Also I strongly suspect that if I adopted kids I honestly wouldn't be able to tolerate them or treat them as well as if they were biologically mine because my instinctive urges seem to be rather strong.)

There are two horrific and honestly traumatizing events from my childhood that make me afraid of myself. One: I managed in elementary school to lift a desk full of books over my head and throw it at another kid. I missed (thank god), but it made me afraid of my own anger, and promise myself not to attack anyone for teasing me. That worked up until incident two in highschool where a girl, who had always been very mean to me, tripped me down a rather long flight of stairs. To this day I don't know if it was an accident or on purpose, or if the laugh she had after was mean spirited or a nervious "Oh fuck i tripped someone down the stairs" laugh. All I know is I walked back up the stairs grinning like a feral beast and beat her with my backpack until I heard something go pop, then continued down to lunch. I went calmly when the security people showed up at the lunch room to take me to the principal. That... above all scared the shit out of me afterwards. (As a side note, probably the reason I didn't go to juvenile hall was it was the first time I had ever gotten in trouble in high-school for anything, and I was about as badly injured as she was). I wish that was the last time I let my rage get away with me but I recently bit my girlfriend after a very stressful day. I'm now college aged, I know this is unacceptable, and I was honestly surprised that she wasn't that upset with me afterwards (and that she didn't call the cops on me). It makes me scared that I haven't beaten my ID into submission yet.

On the other hand: I am generally, usually, good with kids. I don't talk down to them, and when talking with children I usually kneel so that I'm on face level with them. I don't get much contact with kids since I stopped being one, but when I do I usually try to play along with whatever they're imagining. I like kids, and seeing them makes me feel happy.

I have always belived that you can only learn what you are capable of by trying... but I'm scared. The consequences of fucking up raising another human being are immense. I feel these strong urges to, well, make babies. Not to have sex, to make babies. I want to really bad. I don't know if listening to those urges will make them worse or better. And I strongly suspect that those urges will make it impossible for me to treat an adopted kid and a biological kid with equal favor. (Also adoption in the US isn't as cut and dried as 'go to orphanage, pick one you like'. It involves a stream of fosters until you get one you decide to keep)

Either way I know I'm not ready YET. I am not yet financially stable, and I am waiting until I can support myself and a kid before I either adopt or make one myself. That being said, I'd like some help deciding if I even should raise a child. This came to mind after reading the thing where Max was going on about how her tubes were tied.

Edit: I guess details on the girlfriend incident would help too. I had come back (with her) from a vacation. We had been on the bus since about 4 AM, and I had gotten no sleep on the bus, and it was well after noon. Bus trips are hard on me, but this vacation was also especially rough as all sorts of unfortunate things happened. For example my GF's computer broke and we had to spend an extra day in chicago to get it fixed. It nearly wasn't fixed on time, and I had to walk through a bad neighborhood with $300 cash in my pocket because the computer repair place's credit card machine was broken. Also some old man tried to sell me cocaine while I was doing this. We got back home, it was well after noon, and I hadn't slept at all. My girlfriend's place is a long way away from mine, about a mile. She wanted me to help carry her stuff back to her place. I was feeling bad and pointed it out, but she asked again, so I did, walking the full mile with her carrying both her stuff and my own. I left her and her stuff at her place and walked back. As I was reaching my place she called me and asked if she could come over and sleep at my place. I said "No I'm not feeling up to it" she said please, and I said no again. She begged and I said "no" and hung up. Next thing I knew she was letting herself in. I told her to please leave, and said I wasn't up for dealing with her today. She begged to stay, I said no, she promised to be quiet and not bug me, and pointed out that it was a long way back to her place. I said "Alright but don't bother me"...
And then she started begging me to have sex with her. I tried to say no, I tried to tune her out, I tried pretty much everything. After about 15 minutes of her voice getting incresingly shrill as she demanded sex I grabbed her, threw her on the bed, pushed her roughly against it, and bit her shoulder hard.

She went absolutely silent. I growled and made a few angry noises. She stayed still. I let go. She started to cry.

And that's how I bit my girlfriend.

[Globus]

Of course you should have kids. Everyone should have as many kids as they can afford to grant a lifestyle they find acceptable for themselves. I'm not gonna pretend I'm a trained doctor or counselor, there are a lot of people on this forum who will, but the way I understand it, the concept of the Id is bullshit. It seems logical though, that if you have an urge to make babies, you won't hurt your child. I actually think hurting other kids in defense of your own is the less remote problem. And I cannot in good conscience, deny you that right.
Hell, having a baby to care for may even help you rein in the bursts of agression. There are many cases where having a child completely changed a person. I don't know of even one occurence of the urge to have children just.... pass. It is unheard of.

I really can't stress enough that this is of course #ircmedicaladvice. I am not a professional, there may be factors I don't know of, I'm just a man who has taken to thinking. But I do know that losing hope is one of the worst things that can happen to you. There are easy points against making any commitment, never mind such a large one. I'm trying to bring some up for it.

On an unrelated note, welcome here. I don't know why you chose this bunch of complete strangers to hear their opinions are, but Tailsteak fans should be good at considering viewpoints with which they may have nothing in common at all. So, welcome.

[Tailsteak]

I'm gonna disagree with Globus. Sure, having kids may curb your aggression, but there's no guarantee of it. If you legitimately think you would make a bad parent, then don't become one. It's not like the species is in any danger of dying out. Creating a human being because of something it might do for you seems kinda selfish to me.

Maybe try getting a dog or cat, see how you feel after a year or two of taking care of and being responsible for some other form of mammal.

[Merle]

I have to agree with Tailsteak, but I'd say start with something smaller - taking care of a cat or dog in college may prove difficult. Why not start out with something like a fish?

[crayzz]

Get an animal, sure, but please recognize that an animal is about 1/50th the work of a human child. If you really want to practice, get an animal with a serious disability (your local shelter should have some; they're very hard to adopt out), but even that's far less work.

Honestly? It sounds like you don't deal with stress well. You recognize before and after the incident that what you did was wrong, but in situ you don't think. Were I you, I'd seek out some therapy, if possible. I bring this up because children can be very stressful. If you can't handle stress, I need to recommend against having kids, at least long term. Then again, a total of 3 incidents (1 of which was as a child, the other as a teenager) in your life is hardly pathological, unless there's more you're not telling us.

[RyukaTana]

I could talk for hours on this (and most subjects) and I don't want to do that, so it's not going to happen. I will respond here to a couple of things.

First, crayzz, these are just the incidents he considers most notable in his life, of course there's more, everyone makes mistakes and fucks up and does stupid shit constantly. Especially anyone who will off and beat someone down with a backpack for something they aren't sure was an intentional attack. Sorry, Cornhusk, that sounds harsh, and I admit I might be wrong, but it's one of the few things I know about you, and I know it would make me extremely wary of you until I got to know you better. Anyway, my first guess is that this is symptomatic of an an issue that hasn't only manifested itself three times, those were just the three most egregious.

I will say that the one as a young child is probably not entirely relevant anymore, except that you seem to dwell on these sorts of things. It's good to remember poor behavior and learn from it, but it can be seriously unhealthy to obsess over it, and you seem like you might go either way on that.

Okay, second, Globus, I can't tell you want to do, but PLEASE for the love of all that is holy, don't ever tell people to just have as many kids as they can. We have far too many children in the world, an unhealthy amount, and we live in a society that says if you have functional genitalia that's all you need to be a parent. The ability to support a child does not a good parent make, and fuck, our society is good at fucking children up. This is where I could go on forever, so let me just stop at, please don't tell the legions of people out there that should NEVER EVER have children that they should just because they can and those children will be housed and fed. At the very least, those people should start by housing and feeding the fucking metric shit ton of children that already exist and aren't being fed and housed. Agh... I'm going to have an aneurysm if I don't move onto the next thing...

Third, Tailsteak, yes, so much that. Though I'm not entirely in agreement with, 'Hey just risk another living creature's life to see if you can manage...' I've already made it clear that I think it's fuckin' ridiculous that sapient life is treated as simply 'better' than non-sapient life. Not accusing anyone here of specifically intending that, but it just makes me think of how many pets are just given to children with the mindset: 'Here, learn responsibility on this...' And no one involved is actually making sure that those animals are being honestly taken care of...

Finally, Cornhusk, my gut reaction is no, you shouldn't. Even if I am super lenient about what I expect from a good parent, you need to focus on your personal issues first. I think the bigger concern with you isn't that you lost control, but that you seem to have some deep-seated issues about how you lost control. You speak of these issues as if one day some demon just possessed you and you flipped out. You need to understand the root of why you did it, and admit the fault in you (not some distant part of you) and relax. You have to forgive yourself, and you shouldn't be able to do that without honestly feeling like you'll do better. That's the best advice I can give you in a single paragraph without getting to know you better. Deal with your demons first, then ask if you might have the capability to take care of a life.

[Alex Starkiller]

Third, Tailsteak, yes, so much that. Though I'm not entirely in agreement with, 'Hey just risk another living creature's life to see if you can manage...' I've already made it clear that I think it's fuckin' ridiculous that sapient life is treated as simply 'better' than non-sapient life. Not accusing anyone here of specifically intending that, but it just makes me think of how many pets are just given to children with the mindset: 'Here, learn responsibility on this...' And no one involved is actually making sure that those animals are being honestly taken care of...

Just assume that most people think of sapient life as more important. At least those of us that enjoy meat. As such, you can stop bringing it up. It does not help in this situation.

[RyukaTana]

I enjoy meat as well, doesn't mean I think sapient life is more important. I also don't intend to 'just assume' anything, I make my thoughts known. It has relevance, so I stated it.

[Alex Starkiller]

I'd make mention of cannibalism, but that's for a different thread. I just want to say that your beliefs about sapience and its value are only tangentially related to whether or not this man would be good around children or animals. Except to chastise others because they feel testing patience would be better done with a dog than a human baby.

[crayzz]

First, crayzz, these are just the incidents he considers most notable in his life[1], of course there's more, everyone makes mistakes and fucks up and does stupid shit[2] constantly. Especially anyone who will off and beat someone down with a backpack for something they aren't sure was an intentional attack. Sorry, Cornhusk, that sounds harsh, and I admit I might be wrong, but it's one of the few things I know about you, and I know it would make me extremely wary of you until I got to know you better. Anyway, my first guess[3] is that this is symptomatic of an an issue that hasn't only manifested itself three times, those were just the three most egregious.

1) You'll note that I told this person to seek out therapy; I'm aware of their significance.

2) Don't do this. Fucking up like what's been described is not something just anyone does.

3) Guess all you want; I intend to cover my bases.


Cornhusk, it would be helpful for you to weigh in and respond. Helping someone through the internet is hard; helping them with a scant few paragraphs is even harder.

And seriously, get therapy (if you can afford it; I realize this advice is rather privileged). Find a therapist that uses actual science and research (you'd be surprised how many don't). Even if you think you'll be ok without it, a good therapist can make life and your problems easier to deal with.